Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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