YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
