ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
