my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize