There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
