alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
