I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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