No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize