I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
