well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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