I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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