once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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