decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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