When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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