I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
