The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
