New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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