Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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