So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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