Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
