He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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