dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you have to choose: penises or morals?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
