Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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