saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
