I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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