theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
