now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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