I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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