My room smells like vodka and shame
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
