why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
