She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
All I want is dick and wine.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
