Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
