I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
