those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
