my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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