I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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