Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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