Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
