Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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