Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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