You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
