He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize