I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
