There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
