Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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