He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
