Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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