i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
