omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
