Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize