If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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