I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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