Im at strip club and am horny
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
