We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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