You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
