Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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