what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize